Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
