Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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