That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
she woke up with a sticky ear
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
