i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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