im six kinds of drunk right now
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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