how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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