i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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