well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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