we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Randomize
