I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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