his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
