people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
