Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
