An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
