when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
false alarm, still single
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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