Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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