the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
