we're chasing vodka with high fives
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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