You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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