I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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