I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
