dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
