? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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