when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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