My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
