Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
