I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
