Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
