totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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