Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
