My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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