I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
