I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
