he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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