Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
