i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
