Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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