dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
