I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The air was thick with penises
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
