i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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