I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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