I accidentally burped into my bong.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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