I bet he comes in French.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
God, I missed his penis.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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