i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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