his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
