This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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