Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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