For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
