I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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