So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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