DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
